Growing up I remember listening to my mom in her adult conversations with other adults about scary things like divorce, death, abuse, and all the things that adults discuss and cope with, that children usually get to blissfully ignore. I watched my mom mourn the loss of her own mother at about the age I am now. I watched her help rescue women in abusive situations, and hold the hand of a friend going through chemo. I watched her mourn with those that mourn and comfort those in need of comfort. I am so thankful for her example, I think she never guessed that I would someday return to those memories and use them as a guide for my own journey.
It wasn't until just over 2 years ago that I held my own friends hand during chemo. It didn't feel anything like I imagined it would. Somehow I think I thought it would be fulfilling to help someone who was suffering. Weird, right? That I thought I would be the one feeling good, and fulfilled. Such a selfish girl. What I did feel was helpless. I thought often that I just wanted to take some of it away for her, she always smiled in response and tried to comfort me. It was such an odd feeling to be comforted by someone who was suffering. But she did. All the time, that Janna comforted me. Clear until the day I said goodbye to her.
One year later, the emotional jarring of loss has softened. A few of her friends and I met at her grave this week. We talked about the fresh dirt on some of the plots, and how the grass was settled and grown in on others. Janna's little rectangle is at the halfway point. The grass is in, but you can still see it hasn't quiet finished settling, leaving big lines around it. It seems to match my emotions. A year later, the rawness of it has been covered and started to heal, but it hasn't quite settled. There are still deep lines of loss that need more time. I will always miss her, but I take comfort in knowing that someday soon when I think of Janna, it will be not laced with heartache and sorrow, but only with joy.
Good Vibes Only today and forever my friend.
