My Teenagers are awesome

My three kids have a lot in common.  All with light colored hair, blue eyes and fair skin.  They all have giant feet like their dad.  Each has a strong sense of who they are, and a strong will to compliment it.  Once upon a time they all sounded pretty much the same when they spoke until Jayce turned into a man boy and his voice dropped a few octaves.  But the similarities are as numerous as their differences.  I can't say it enough,  I LOVE watching teenagers become.  I don't always like the decisions, but I sure love standing back and watching them squirm out of their cocoon and spread their wings.  

Lainy is just 13 and has always known who she is.  She has a strong sense of goodness and generally makes good choices.  Enter boy number one.  There isn't currently a boy number two, but I am sure there will be, so this boy is the first.  Her little heart is circling and swirling round and round, fluttering between real life and responsibility and fluffy feelings of dreamy boy number one.  My first response as a mama was,  whoa- kid.  Nuh uh.  No way, no how.  Not happening.  And then my 13 year old self knocked very lightly and said, hey remember what you were like at 13 years old?  Oh yeah, I had a boy number one at age 13 too...  And I felt so completely unprepared for the parenting duties that were required of me.  She isn't a fan of our parental standing on it all.  But boundaries were tested a little, tears were abundant, and understanding of those boundaries so far has been good.

Skip on over to my oldest child Jayce.  He's pushing 16 and he is either completely unprepared for dating, or he wised up and is keeping his mouth shut about it.  He has never been super sure of how to present himself to the world.  He knows who he is, and what he stands for and what kind of person he wants to become, but isn't super strong at holding up high and carrying it around on his shoulders.  While we are holding Lainy back and helping her set boundaries for dating, we are having to do a little pushing, prodding and teaching for Jayce.  My sweet friend told me about a brilliant parenting moment by a friend.  This friend takes her sons on their first date, and her husband takes their daughters on their first date.  They teach them how to handle conversation, how to appropriately accept an opened door, or open the door for the other, how to pay the bill and how to tip, they discuss dating ideas, what is appropriate and what is not.  Jayce doesn't like the idea.  But he's going on a date with me anyway. 

Yesterday Jayce got in the car after school and said, I just laid out another kid.  Unfortunately, this was not the first (or second or third...) time that those words have been uttered from Jayce.  But this time was different.  We have tried to teach our kids that there will be times in life that you need to step up and act in defense of the defenseless.  I am not a fan of physical responses in anger.  But I am proud of Jayce for acting in defense of the defenseless yesterday.  There is a special needs boy who often waits for his parents in a grassy area near the high school, yesterday he was sitting in the snow building a snowman.  Several boys walked by, one kicked over the snowman, and they all laughed and ridiculed.  Jayce was nearby, gave him a solid punch to the face, told him that was not ok and walked on.  My mama heart was proud.  Most days I wonder if I am teaching them anything that sticks.  

Teenagers are hard, they are sweet, awkward, wonderful and really awful.  I love to watch them grow.  Literally, if you stare at them long enough you can probably see them grow right out of the clothes and shoes I just bought.  But man, are they awesome.  I just love my teens.  

Warning: Hint, guidance, recommendation, love.

"Oil change needed"

I knew it was close, but I also knew I didn't have to change the oil immediately.  It would keep.  A few days later...

"front left tire pressure low"

 Yeeeeah, I did a once around to check if I had a real flat, but they looked good.  I chalked it up to cold temperature.  It would right itself once it warmed up.

"ice possible- drive with caution"

That one I was familiar with.  It had been snowing and anytime the temp drops below freezing that warning pops up.

It was when all three of these warnings ran across my dashboard in a news ticker fashion, that I began to think I should probably pay attention.  These small warnings were beginning to pile up. 

Each of these warnings are a little different.   An oil change has a little bit of wiggle room.  You know eventually you have to get to it or there will be bigger issues that follow. 

A tire pressure warning is kind of an important one.  Especially in my case when husband informed me that I did indeed have low tire pressure due to a nail being stuck in it.  Definitely a case requiring immediate repair.

The ice possible warning is one that pops up just to remind you that danger is possible.

I have teenagers.  I have taught the youth most of my adult life in my church assignments.  I can assure you that they feel like we are the news ticker scrolling across their daily lives in a steady stream of warnings. 

Oil change needed.  Choose your friends wisely, it might not be an issue now, but eventually you'll end up with bigger problems.  Choosing friends as teenagers is tough.  Sure, sometimes the friendships find you- and if you're lucky, the friendship is as if two pieces of a puzzle are popping together in perfect place.  Sometimes finding even one friend is tough.  It's these moments that can cause you to be impatient and just friendship someone right into your life that isn't quite the match you need.  I wish I could better help these teens understand that being alone isn't as terrible as it feels.  Learning to be alone is a neat journey and each person should really take the opportunity to understand what it means.  Mean girls.  I know, I just jumped there.  I couldn't find a soft segue to lead into the topic.  It applies to boys as well.  It isn't friendship when you are in a group that judges, makes fun of, or hurts others.  It just means you are part of a group who has a common purpose.  It isn't friendship- don't fool yourself.  Friendship results in a lot of things- joy, growth, support, understanding, love, kindness, bonding and a zillion other positive good things.  If you are bound together and you find yourself using the group to take advantage of another, stop it.  And reassess your group.  Is this a friendship?  Are these people helping me to become who I want to become?  Am I being a good friend?  Am I helping others become who they want to become?  Choose your friends wisely now, so you don't have bigger problems later. 

Low tire pressure.  What's causing it?  Why is my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior  at a low?  I can tell you with certainty that it isn't because He is lacking.  Take a walk around your vehicle life.  Can you see anything wrong that might be causing your low pressure?  Really look.  Remember, I took a walk around my car and didn't see anything major.  Tires looked fine, ignore the warning.  But someone I love and someone who was looking out for me took a closer look.  And he found a big fat nail in my tire.  What might your nail be?  Addiction to Netflix/social media/video games/food/pornography/anything else? A poor choice of language? Low self esteem? Judging others? What is your nail?  What can you work on?  We all have something, if you can't find something the first time, look again.  If you are still walking this earth, you've got something to work on, something to be warned about, something to change in order to be closer to your Savior and your Father in Heaven.

Ice possible, drive with caution.  I think of these words as a daily warning.  Be careful out there.  It might be slippery.  Watch for things that will cause you to slip and try to avoid them.  But guys, He gets it.  You're going to hit ice once in a while, sometimes that ice comes in the form of things that you can't control, sometimes you are going to make poor choices.  Driving with caution means paying attention, do the same thing in your lives.  Pay attention to what is a good thing in your life, and the things that are slippery. 

The warnings from your car are only there to protect you.  Your car isn't giving you warnings to make your drive more difficult.  I promise, if an adult is giving you a warning, before you roll your eyes, try and remind yourself that it's only because they love you and want to protect you from the crazy that's out there. 

He's home.

You guys.  My husband is home.  Permanently.  Goodbye lonely empty bed, goodbye saying goodbye every Sunday, goodbye frantic running around trying to get children to various activities all at once, goodbye all too common cereal dinners because why make dinner when you have to force feed it, goodbye rocking in the corner because parenting alone is haaaard.  Hello to my nightly spooning buddy, hello to my companion taking the reigns with the punk teenagers, hello partner who cleans, hello husband who helps kids practice sports, hello math tutor (hallelujah!) hello consistency, hello to my other half. 

I can't believe how much I was lacking until when he came home he made it whole.  It was like juggling constantly, and someone coming over and holding a couple of the balls while you just tossed one up in the air and caught it.  It's hard to explain in a tiny blog post, but it's more than just: he's been gone, and now he's home. 

When we had the chance to live a typical, non traveling life style, when we were younger, it didn't work.  Let's be real, we didn't like living together full time all that much.  We were young, and very, very different with some weaknesses that clashed big time.  It was a pretty special experience when we started talking last year about Jason moving home and finding local work.  There was a lot of prayer, fasting and communication before a decision was made.  All of the logistics weren't matching up.  How do we leave a job that pays well,  are there any opportunities locally to support our family?  Will we have to sell the house?  Can we stay in Cedar?  Will we kill each other?  We had some hard decisions to make.  It all boiled down to the importance of being together as a couple, and the importance and his desire to be a present father.  We were and are willing to sacrifice whatever is necessary to be together.  We know it's what's right for us, and more importantly we want to be together. 

I have missed my person.  I am so grateful for progression, growth, and forgiveness. 
Over and out. 

One year

Growing up I remember listening to my mom in her adult conversations with other adults about scary things like divorce, death, abuse, and all the things that adults discuss and cope with, that children usually get to blissfully ignore.  I watched my mom mourn the loss of her own mother at about the age I am now. I watched her help rescue women in abusive situations, and hold the hand of a friend going through chemo.  I watched her mourn with those that mourn and comfort those in need of comfort. I am so thankful for her example, I think she never guessed that I would someday return to those memories and use them as a guide for my own journey. 

 It wasn't until just over 2 years ago that I held my own friends hand during chemo.  It didn't feel anything like I imagined it would.  Somehow I think I thought it would be fulfilling to help someone who was suffering.  Weird, right?  That I thought I would be the one feeling good, and fulfilled.  Such a selfish girl.  What I did feel was helpless.  I thought often that I just wanted to take some of it away for her, she always smiled in response and tried to comfort me.  It was such an odd feeling to be comforted by someone who was suffering.  But she did.  All the time, that Janna comforted me.  Clear until the day I said goodbye to her.  

One year later, the emotional jarring of loss has softened.  A few of her friends and I met at her grave this week.  We talked about the fresh dirt on some of the plots, and how the grass was settled and grown in on others.  Janna's little rectangle is at the halfway point.  The grass is in, but you can still see it hasn't quiet finished settling, leaving big lines around it.  It seems to match my emotions. A year later, the rawness of it has been covered and started to heal, but it hasn't quite settled.  There are still deep lines of loss that need more time.  I will always miss her, but I take comfort in knowing that someday soon when I think of Janna, it will be not laced with heartache and sorrow, but only with joy.  

Good Vibes Only today and forever my friend.  

Today I celebrate

I wondered how I would feel today.  I wondered if I would wake feeling heavy and sad. Or if my emotions would play close to the surface.  As soon as I opened my eyes it was the first thought that I had, Happy Birthday Janna. 

I've thought about it all morning, and realized I had to decide.  I have the ability to choose how this day will feel.  I thought about Janna and what she would want to do on this day.  I pictured myself asking her.  I see her face, it has a giant grin spreading across that beautiful face.  She would want us to be happy.  She would want us to remember her happy. 

Today I celebrate.  I celebrate the day my sweet friend was born. I celebrate her joy, her laughter, and her friendship.  I celebrate her grit, perseverance and her grace.  I celebrate the many lessons she taught me that I might never have learned otherwise.  I celebrate her motherhood, womanhood, and sisterhood.  I celebrate the day she was gifted a return to her heavenly home.  She battled well,  she left her legacy, and she left her love in everyone she knew. 

So, today I choose to celebrate.  Happy Birthday Janna, we miss you like crazy. 

Blindsided

Jared had his annual optometrist appointment today.  The good news, he no longer needs to wear glasses to read.  I was pretty thrilled since keeping track of anything in Jared's world is a challenge.  We were nearing the end of his appointment as the doctor was doing a routine check of his eyes, and he hesitated.  He looked at me, and then back into the depths of Jared's right eye.  His tone changed from jovial to concern.  I felt it change. He asked if we had discussed the spot on Jared's eye before.  No, we hadn't.  I am forgetful and sometimes just plain don't listen but, would have remembered something like this.

Let's be realistic, I selectively listen to my children when they tell me a world of information.  So when Jared sat next to me in the waiting room before this very appointment, covered up one of his eyes and said, Hey! My blindspot is almost gone! I looked at him sideways and said, what do you mean, blindspot?  He said, you know from the laser.  Huh-uh. I don't know.  Fast forward back to the doctor's tone changing to the kind that makes mama's panic.  He said, let's check something.  He covered one of Jared's eyes, and had him look at his letter board straight on, read the middle letter he said.  Jared's response was, well I can't.  I can see it, but every time I try to look at it, it disappears.  WHAT? Yep, he shined that damn, yes, damn laser into his eye ball for less than a second and broke his retina. I saw the scans.  It has beautiful straight lines and layers, and then, right there in the middle is a little spot where the line is broken.  And it causes his beautiful perfect blue eyes to have a blindspot.

I've thought about this all day.  This tiny moment of stupidity, when he made a choice he knew was not the right one and he created a blind spot.  A tiny one, but it wasn't there before.  He said, yeah, when ever I'm in class and I get bored, I close one eye and make my teacher disappear. 

We all do it.  We all make these tiny decisions that we know aren't the ones we should be making, and most of the time they don't have lasting consequences.  They don't affect much, and we keep moving forward.  But once in a while, we make a decision that we think is innocent, or we think the consequences don't apply to us, but they do.  And blindspots sometimes pop up.  And then we learn to just live life through imperfect vision.  Sometimes we even use these little blindspots to our advantage when we don't like something we see, we pretend it isn't there.  Eventually though, we have to acknowledge that we can't see.  And those sins, those tiny little blindspots become a burden and need to be healed.  Thankfully, we have the ability to completely repair our blindspots, and see clearly.  Over and over we can access this healing.

"The Atonement leaves no tracks, no traces. What it fixes, is fixed... It just heals, and what it heals, stays healed." 

-Boyd K Packer 

Jared turns 11.

This guy.  

He turned 11 a few weeks ago.  I am counting my blessings as I gather my thoughts for this post, that the weeks surrounding his birthday were complete chaos for me.  I may not have celebrated it.  I may have protested.  It can't be true. This boy who is filled with light, joy, sweetness, and fun cannot possibly have lived 11 years already.  Jared is disorganized, distractible, a major mess maker, and the most creative boy you'll ever find with a pile of junk.  If it isn't nailed down, and most people think it's useless, Jared wants it.  Last year as an incentive to bring his homework home, and to then, do it- I gathered a bin full of random supplies from zip ties to marbles, and a wood saw and random chunks of metal and wood to old handles and hinges.  He couldn't contain his excitement. (It didn't work. He loved the bin, but in my own chaos, I couldn't keep him away from it, even to do homework.)  

If a package arrives in the mail, you might as well toss the box it came in down the stairs toward Jared's room, because that is where it will eventually find its home.  Today I made my way to his classroom as the bell rang to help Jared give his desk a bit of attention.  As I knelt down to get comfortable at desk height, I started to giggle.  

This was the scene underneath his desk.  Medical tape so carefully strung from leg to leg.  You know that didn't happen so neatly on the first try.  Another gem about Jared.  He loves writing utensils, he always has.  He sort of collects them.  If you are missing a pen or pencil, chances are Jared has it.  

Although a rowdy and rambunctious boy, Jared has always had a gentle soul. He begged to play tackle football this season and after many months of consideration, we decided the positive's about football far outweighed the scary.  It has been a fun ride experiencing the world of football parents. (is there an emoji that conveys insanity? Insert here.)  Thankfully I can still coax him into a little snuggle time, he is quite affectionate, and though his emotions still play close to the surface, I will admit I am sad that the days of a sensitive little boy who cries too often, are numbered.  

I have sighed far more during this post, than most others.  Trying not to be too sad that this guy is growing up, up, up.  Claiming proudly that he is sprouting (albeit invisible) arm pit hair, is no deterrent for this mama who often needs a snuggle. 

Happiest birthday little buddy.  

I love you to the moon.

*** The day after I wrote this post,  I received a text from a friend with this picture and it read, "Found these determined souls down on Fiddlers Canyon by the retention basin. They have pushed it up 2 blocks so far!  I wished them good luck! Hands down my favorite thing I have seen yet this week!" 

If you have ever driven up in my neighborhood, it's a pretty steep climb to push an old built-in TV up two blocks.  They showed up at home empty handed.  When asked where the TV was, they replied, "we couldn't push it anymore, so we just left it by the round about, but we put a sign on it for $150!" When I asked them if for some reason someone wanted to pay them $150 for it, how would they know who to pay?  Oh, we put your cell number on the sign mom! 

Oh. My. Land. 

My sweet friend Amy helped me load that bad boy (and the sign!) into her truck and off to a dumpster, since even the DI wouldn't take it! 

The power of positive pants

Those people who always seem to be happy, to find joy in the journey, to look for the good... I want desperately to be one of those people.  Janna was so much that person.  She often referred to "putting on her positive pants" when she knew she had a hard thing ahead of her or she could feel herself starting to creep toward self pity.

I enjoy being happy, I love the feeling I get when I can look past an obstacle and see the good amidst the junk.  I'm not so great at putting on my positive pants when I'm tired, cranky, and overwhelmed.  I am really good at snapping at my children, and being short with my husband.  Today I shared those qualities, with my 15 year old son.  I love having a child that can problem solve, is mastering the art of sarcasm, and that I laugh with about stuff that would be lost on a younger kid.  But with those things, comes a kid who can call you on your crap, and knows when you're just having a bad day and taking it out on them. Jayce calls me on my crap, and my crap doesn't like it.  Today we spent a half an hour sitting in the car after we got home from church discussing the blessing of being positive.  He likes everything to be "fair." Which of course is relative when you're parenting 3 kids of different ages, differing personalities, and varying strengths and weaknesses.  He wants to talk though every situation where he gets treated differently than another sibling, so that he can be heard while he describes why his treatment is unfair.  Sorry dude, ain't nobody got time for that.  We all could spend our lives away trying to talk through why everything in everyone's lives are unfair.  It's exhausting just thinking about it!

Instead I challenged him for 24 hours to focus on nothing but the positive.  (He referenced a conference talk for last general conference, I was very impressed)  It took a few minutes of practicing.  How is that possible, he asked.  For example, I said, you walk outside and step in a pile of dog poop.  What's the positive?  He couldn't do it.  Thank goodness you had shoes on, and it didn't squish between your toes!  Thank heavens the dog pooped on the ground and not in your bed, and dog poop in the grass means we have our Flapjack, whom we love so much.  He started to catch on, but a thread of frustration was still intertwined with this new thought process.  His desire for fairness, for justice, and balance in treatment is strong.  I reminded him of Corrie and her reluctance to accept Betsy's gratitude for the fleas.  If these women, in the worst possible situation possibly ever, found things to grateful for, certainly we, as blessed as we are, can do the same.  (Corrie Ten Boom, The Hiding Place)

It's been 6 hours.  He has worked hard.  He grins sideways at me when he finds something especially difficult to find gratitude in, like at least Lainy gets to enjoy those Oreos, instead of them going to waste when he finds frustration at being gluten free.  

Maybe that's the answer.  If you desire and choose to be happy, and find joy, you will.  Eventually, if we try hard enough we will look around at the rain and realize that without trying we found beauty and gratitude for it.

Don't help!

I hadn't intended for the evening to turn toward a family council, but those are the best ones.  The ones that sort of just land in your lap and lay out seamlessly.  Well, with wrinkles, I mean they are my children after all.

My plate has been pretty full for a few months now.  Consistently full.  Sometimes when it spills over, I complain about the mess it's making.  And then I remember how lucky I am to have a plate with so much goodness a top.  Basketball, football, volleyball, scouts, piano, young women's, Color Run, baking, and everything else that this time of year brings to everyday life.  It's busy.  I mean, most days I don't stop moving until I hit the sheets.  So... you can imagine the state of my house.  It's less than pristine.  So, when your volleyball player comes in, drops her ball, knee pads and water bottle in the living room, followed shortly by your football player who drops his gear as he walks through the house toward the shower, where he leaves his clothes and towels behind,  backpacks unloaded and strewn across the counter,  peaches, pears, and tomatoes waiting patiently for their preservation, dust, dirt, fingerprints, and life all over the place!

Tonight I sat them down, and a story I had perused in the weeks prior popped into my brain.  It is titled "I don't help my wife," author unknown.   In it he talks about how he does housework not to help his wife, but because he lives there too.  He wears clothing that needs to be laundered, he uses dishes that need to be cleaned, he walks on the carpet that needs vacuuming, he pees in the throne that needs to be scrubbed.  As usual, Jayce is the kid who latched onto the idea, and understood my plight.  He may be a loose cannon with impulsivity, but that kid is dependable and aware of people and what they need help with.  To the core.  He reads situations faster than I do and leaps to aid.  So, I called the two youngers out on their crap.  I'm pretty sure my pleas fell on deaf ears.

We all get stuck in a habit of laziness.  Doing the minimum amount required to get by, muddling through.  So, look at your life, light a fire if you need to.  Shake things up, be better, try harder, and by all means pay attention to things and people around you, lend a hand, pick up trash someone left behind, talk to the lady in line next to you, wave to your neighbor, and don't forget to look at your kids or your spouse sometimes and see what an amazing human you have in your life!  I love my amazing humans.

Ragnars and Photo facials

The last two weeks have been nutso.  Let's go even farther and say that the last few months have been crazy all leading up to the last two weeks of chaos.  The last few months I had been training for yet another Ragnar.  My 6th Ragnar.  And my last.  At least for a while.

Colorado- Copper Mountain to Aspen.  It was incredible, beautiful, stunning, gorgeous.  I lucked out and had two 6.5 mile runs during the day and a 3.5 mile run at night.  I had high hopes of getting most of my running in while I breathed in the scenery.  With a van full of lovely women, we had a grand time.  Rivers, lakes, streams, mountains, meadows, sun  rises and sun sets were near perfection.  It was the night time isolation, bear sightings, and coming down with a massive cold during my last run that threw me.

Night running is a funny little game.  I find that if I can find someone who has about the same pace as I do, I will just stick close by so I feel a sense of support in case some crazy goes down.  Which is what happened with the bear.  Megen was part way through her night run and we were not too far from her along a mountain road, while she ran a little way down the mountain out of sight.  I was driving and what turned out to be a cat jumped out from the bushes startling all 5 of us left in the car.  So, when the animal a few yards ahead jumped out and started lumbering across the road we all took a second to register what we were seeing!  Sure enough, it was a good sized black bear.  Megen later told us that she had heard rustling in the bushes, likely in the same place we had seen him running up the mountain.

My last run was mid morning and the weather was perfect.  Running along side a beautiful lush lined river, I was prepared for a sweet spot. Turns out I was unprepared for all of it.  About a half a mile in I realized I was getting a cold, and it was happening fast.  I texted my team to find me along the route and have ibuprofen ready.  Unfortunately, I was too far into my run and had to take a turn off away from the road and along a path by the river.  Which was GORGEOUS.  By then I was two miles in and my face was throbbing.  My teeth hurt, my throat was on fire and raw, and my body was less than happy to be moving at all.  I texted Jason, filled him in and said I was finished.  I couldn't go any further.  I was going to call it.  He responded that he believed in me, that I had trained for this and that he knew I could do it.  I cried and ran, and cried and ran some more.  And I spit.  A lot.  At that point my head was full and mouth continued to fill with junk.  So now I'm crying, spitting and running.  It was then that I looked toward heaven and told Heavenly Father I was so tired and I couldn't finish.  I turned my head and started to spit again when I very clearly heard the Spirit say, "don't spit."  For a split second I questioned the command (response, gift, guidance).  But I didn't spit.  And wouldn't you know it, my raw throat dissipated,  my teeth and jaw stopped throbbing, and I had the ability to breath.  I put my head down and busted out the last 4 miles.  I lasted through the finish line when the last of our people came across, but once I hit the car I was down for the count.  I dragged myself up to the hotel, then back to the car the next morning.  I slept through dinner that last night, and through the 7 hour drive home.  And then I slept for 4 more days when I got home.

Don't spit.  I've thought a lot about that guidance over the last few weeks.  Never would I have come up with that plan on my own, and I still wonder why it worked.  But when the Spirit says not to spit, you don't spit!  What a gift.  It wasn't how I had intended to finish the race,  It wasn't my plan.  It wasn't what I was prepared for.  But it worked.  And when life doesn't go according to my plan, and it isn't what I am prepared for, I will always remember "not to spit."

Last week I finally pulled the trigger and got a photo facial at my local dermatologist's office.  IPL "intense pulsed light" is the proper description.  Thrilled to finally have all of my sun damaged skin removed from my face, I was pretty excited.  Nettie had had the procedure done a few months ago, filled me in on how it was done and the results were gorgeous.

My results are not gorgeous.  They had the light turned up too high and burned the living daylights out of my skin.  I asked about pain levels beforehand and the esthetician assured me it was nothing too painful.  Ooooooh that was not the case.  I teared under my little eyelid tapes, and flinched each time she shot me with light.  It has now been 5 days and I look a lot like a I would imagine a leper would have looked like long ago.  I have blisters and dark patchy burnt skin that is now peeling.  After a lot of research on IPL gone wrong, I made contact with Megen's sister who is an esthetician up north and after seeing my photos, hearing my experience, and consulting with her office- she confirmed that it was a botch job.  I met with the Dr. the following day who started off trying to convince me that this was normal and would heal beautifully.  My ammunition was already loaded... although I spent a good portion of my morning preparing my mind and emotions so that I didn't lose it when I went in.  Thankfully, it all came out without unleashing angrily or emotionally.  I called him on his crap, reminded him that I had already received a second opinion and that I was no fool.  He of course apologized and spent 45 min with me trying to do damage control.  He asked lots of questions aimed  at revealing just how much damage I could do to his reputation, which he mentioned was of utmost importance to him.  What did he want me to do? Crawl in a hole for 2 weeks?  I am a walking billboard of his negligence! His girls didn't even ask for my medical history! I am scheduled to return for a follow up on Tuesday and still am not sure what my game plan is.  He has not offered to refund my $200.  But if I don't heal well, I think I might need to press the matter.

Longwinded.  I know.  It felt long when I was living it all!  Signing off,  here's to hope for healing!

Bryce Canyon with my number one number three

Field trips.  Never my favorite outings.  Always with my favorite people.  I volunteer to go nearly every time, even when I really, really don't want to.  It's that little nudge in the back of my heart that reminds me that there is far too little time left to go on these adventures.  Already, I only have Jared left and only one more year of field trips to attend.

Jared and I boarded the loud, smelly, packed bus to prepare for the long 1.5 hour drive to Bryce Canyon national park. As we filed in, it was quickly evident that there were more people than there were seats.  Before the thought formed into my head, my hand shot up and all too loudly I practically yelled "I volunteer! I just filled my tank with gas!"  Then two of my friends followed suit, and so graciously stepped forward to go with me.  We practically ran to my car squealing with delight at our good luck.

The drive was beautiful, and filled with lots of getting to know you questions and laughter while the three boys in the backseat enjoyed a bit of technological freedom.

It's a beautiful place, there is a giant lodge, and lots of places to roam.  I am always shocked when I drive to these places that are practically in my backyard, and see how incredible they are.  It is no surprise people from all over the world come to southern Utah to see the beauty of it.  Certainly one of the better field trips I have been on.  Other than a kid (a bus kid) puking his guts out, and flurries making short, light appearance, it was a great field trip.

Teenagers.

I'm on my second teen so I feel like I might be something of an expert on the subject. (be careful, that sarcasm is dripping)  A lifetime ago, when my kids were babies, I often felt like I was just surviving.  Barely keeping my head above water.  I look back and see so many years that are blurry.  I'm sure there were moments I that impacted my children for good.  Probably only the feeding, changing, and protecting them part.  Honestly, even if I did it again today knowing and experiencing everything I have, it would still be crazy hard, and a blur.  I asked my sister once who has children a few years older than mine if it got easier.  She hesitated before answering.  No, not really, she said.  It just... changes.  It's a different kind of hard.  Flash forward to 2017.  Holy Hannah, still crazy hard!  Some days I feel like my intellect,  usually tucked squarely inside my head is on the verge of blasting out eventually sighing with relief at not living inside my head anymore.  Seriously guys, teenagers are a whole new beast.

Jayce is inching up on 15 this summer, and just in the last month or two I have seen some major rays of sunshine cracking through the darkness.  Not going to lie, tough kid.  Grouchy, irritable, slacker.  One beautiful thing that I would wish for every parent to have in their relationship with their teen is a quality that Jayce has.  I didn't teach him, so don't ask how I did it.  It was all him.  That boy tells me everything.  EVERYTHING.  Things that I had to go in my room and google in order to know how to respond.  It was usually late at night when I was exhausted and wanting to give a quick kiss good night and climb into bed, that he wanted to talk.  Parents, don't give up these moments.  They are few and they don't come around often.  I promise, it's worth it.  I had heard whisperings that age 15 was about the time when you started to look at your kid and seeing glimmerings that they were human again, want to squeeze them because you missed them while they were gone, back from their previous form of an awkward hormonal beast.  Welcome back Jayce.  You are a darling boy again, and I am thankful for you and your helpful demeanor and patience with my crazy.

Lainy.  Oooooooh my Lainy.  Lainy seems too sweet of a name for the emotions that have spewed from her the past few months.  More than a few times I have had to quietly tell her to put the dog's leash on and take him for a walk.  Something about fresh air, and walking off steam helps return her in a manageable state.  This one tells me nothing.  She is a closed book.  It drives me bonkers.  Once in a while the floodgates will open, she hits a vulnerable streak and I am faced with a face full of teen emotions in the form of being puked on.  I'll take it.  I just have to remember to sit there without over reacting to all the crazy she is telling me, and then when she's finished I can go upstairs and wash it all off and process what just happened.  She has been my easiest kid.  Sweet temperament, kind to everyone, ever the includer.  She makes friends easily and fits into just about every group or personality type there is.  Unfortunately, she is in full blown teenage form and I will have to adjust to the small spit size moments of sweetness and sanity I can get from her for a few years.

In all seriousness people.  Teenagers are amazing.  I have taught them in church callings for 10+ years.  I love them and their weirdness. And I love my own teenagers.  Hormones and all.  It feels less blurry than when they were little, but my brain and heart sure take a beating these days.  It's completely worth it when you get those moments when your teens experience things that help them stretch and grow. A few years ago I bought each one of my kids a small leather bound journal. I had good intentions to use them to communicate with them.  It would be a place where they could write things to Jason and I that maybe they needed a quiet space to verbalize. And we would write things in it to build them up and have a personal moment with each kid to strengthen our relationship.  Yeah, it wasn't as glowy and magical as I had hoped. But those journals still get used by each one of my kids.  Sometimes there are months or a year in between writings, but they have served a beautiful purpose.  Just this week Jayce mentioned that he had been writing to me. FOR MONTHS people, consistently.  I couldn't believe it.  The kid who sluffed school as often as he could get away with it, the kid who hated writing, the kid who was as inconsistent as his mother, wrote letters to me for months, and they were beautiful. It's the neatest thing when you look at those humans and think, wow, they are going to be awesome adults someday soon.  My people are incredible, I am grateful to be their mama, and I love them fiercely.

Women's league - unflinching

Dear short dark haired girl from the opposing team,

I came home last night pretty riled up.  I talked about the game a lot with my husband.  What our strengths and weaknesses were, what could have been done differently, and how we played.  I complained about the your behavior.  I wondered when the game started down the slippery slope of anger and frustration on both teams.

I'm not a great player, I'm better than I was in high school, but I'm not a great player. I practice hard, I love the competition, and as long as my body will allow it, I will continue to push and learn how to be better.  I play because I love the game.  I think at this point in our lives, we all still love it or we wouldn't be playing.

I was raised in Southern California and we played against some incredible talent. We also played against some incredible sized women.  There was a team from Channel Islands in our division and these girls were considerably larger than we were.  But being fast was not their strength.  They could shoot and they were strong.  So, we ran them.  But because they couldn't (or weren't willing to put in the work) keep up, they injured us.  We hated those games.  We came home bruised, bloody and in pain.  We were kids, and we didn't blink at their idea of breaking rules, even at the expense of hurting someone, trying to gain a few extra points.

I am a grown woman, and last night was embarrassing.  Most people who watched were pretty shocked at your behavior.  Not because they thought you were gifted (which you are) but because you are also a grown woman who knows better than to play dirty, and cheat.  I was shocked that you did, you have the skills to play a great game without it.  I love a good, hard, fast paced game.  I love the jittery feeling in my bones when things get going, the adrenalin when our team does well, the strength I feel when the opposing team does well and we have to dig deep to get back on top.

Women have a hard enough time in this world without any of us breaking each other down.  We have the opportunity to lift each other, use our differences, our competitive nature, and our talents to build each other up.  Athletes are a unique breed, and competitiveness can also be used to break each other down, but usually this is so one can use others to step on to lift themselves. The very thing that was the cause of the crazy that took place last night- on both sides.  At 37 years old, I don't need anything else to tear me down, life does a pretty good job at that already.  We have this gift to still be playing ball and we need to look at ourselves and decide what kind of ball player we ought to be, what kind of person we ought to be, no matter which team we are on.

You have a gift.  You don't need to jersey grab, over dramatize your fouls, throw your arms up and yell, and damage others with your words in order to be great.  It's those things that are preventing you from being a great player.  I love your team mates.  I know many of them and they are great women, take a look at them as an example and decide if they have any traits you think are worth working toward.

Signed,

White Flag



***for those of you reading my blog for enjoyment purposes, yes we won.  Championship is Thursday.

Let's call this a post that got away from me.

Remember Denise Austin?

This lady was something else.  I don't remember looking at her and thinking I wanted to be like her.  I do remember thinking it was interesting that she made a living by showing people how to workout.  Today, things are no different.  The industry has been flooded with men and women with the newest programs, supplements, and diet plans.  I'm as guilty as the next guy.  I look at some of this stuff and try and mold my life around a health routine that will help me look, well, like Denise Austin.  Now, I know I am a novice at this stuff, but I still have an opinion and this is my blog so, there's that.  

As a culture, we have lost sight of our goal and purpose for our lives.  Ask any wise old person,  and they will likely tell you that the most important part of their lives has been their family and friends.  So, how does working out and diet link to our priorities?  For me I workout because it helps me feel better.  My lungs, heart, and er, digestive system work better.  These things allow me to be a very active and involved mama to my (not so little) littles.  I spent years working out in gym classes, doing crazy routines so that my body became closer and closer to what I thought was the ideal.  Problem was, I hated those classes.  I wasn't enjoying myself.  And nothing ever stuck.  No diet and no routine was something I was willing to do long term.  And my body never came close to what I envisioned when I did hit my goal weight. 

I'm not going to tell you I have yo-yo dieted and struggled with my weight my whole life.  I haven't.  I have always fallen within the bounds of what the medical world calls normal.  I do know a little about imbalance.  The imbalance of choosing whatever workout program I was using, over my children.  I still do this.  I'm not here to tell you I have mastered the balancing act that is parenting.  I haven't.  I still ditch my kids in the middle of the afternoon to go run a few miles with my friend.  

Let's jump to another common, lets call it a trap, called selfie overshare.  I am shaking my head as I begin the subject.  Social media has given platform for a community of look-at-me-ers.  This is not isolated to the workout world, but for the sake of staying on topic, lets talk about the individuals who want us to look at them.  All. The. Time.  It's annoying.  I love looking at the images of adventures people have gone on, or the momentous occasions they celebrate with their families and friends, the funny things that happened when their kids lost sanity for a second,  accomplishments, charity work, or athletic successes.  I don't love looking at pictures of you posing so that people will tell you how amazing you look.  I promise, we will still think you look amazing while we peruse your adventures.  

This poor blog post has really taken a turn toward the complaining hasn't it?  I'll finish by telling you that you can find joy in your journey to good health.  Find what you love to do in the category of exercise.  Love your dog? Walk him/her more often or for longer stretches.  Love to dance? Take a class, dance in your kitchen, or dance while you're out jogging.  I do that.  If you truly love the gym, and lifting weights, do your thing.  Play basketball, baseball, soccer, football or field hockey as a kid? Be the person who gathers people together and start playing again.  Your body is awesome, if you ask it to, it will do amazing things, none of us care if your body looks like Denise Austins, I Promise. But for the love of all that is holy, please stop posting pictures designed only to validate the way you look.  

*** for any of you who think that duck lips look ridiculous on everyone except you...  you're wrong. Just stop it.  

 

Caribbean Cruise 2017

About 6 months ago Megen Ralphs and I talked dreamily about the idea of going on a cruise together with our husbands.  She had been, we had not.  She was a world traveler, we were not.  Until we actually got there, I wasn't sure it was a reality.  Now we are home, with the memories fresh in my mind, I want to write down as much as I can so my mind, with it's net full of holes, doesn't lose all of it's beautiful gems.

Megen and Chris Ralphs, Alonna and Sheb Davies, along with Jason and I were the lucky couples who went.  We had opened it up to all of our friends.  The chemistry among the three couples was perfect.  Jason and I had a hard time nailing down a babysitter for the week since we would be unreachable once we left Puerto Rico.  My mom was going to stay with them but a few weeks before hand she hurt her back and was out of commission.  We took a chance and asked Jason's mom.  She juggled a few things around and we flew her down.  She was such a blessing!  The kids loved having her and already miss her.

We all flew out of Las Vegas, and had a 2 hour layover in Charlotte, North Carolina.  Unfortunately, our plane in LV was delayed 2 hours, so when we landed in Charlotte we had to run from one side of the airport to the other just to make our connecting flight.  We made it, and a few short hours later we were in San Juan boarding our beautiful cruise ship.  The computer system was down when we were boarding the ship, so they had to do everything by hand.  Fill out all the paperwork for customs, passport info, all by hand.  I had the thought as I watched the guy writing our names and info down on paper, that this was a tiny bit like those who came to America via Ellis Island, and how names got changed because people misspelled them on their paperwork.

We boarded the boat and hung out for a few hours getting used to the layout of the ship while the crew sorted our bags and took them to the various staterooms.  We had a small room, with a king sized bed and a window that was maybe 3ft x 3 ft, a small bathroom with a toilet and shower.  It was small, but we fit everything we needed in it, and loved it.  There were 12 floors to the ship and we were on the 5th floor, about mid ship.  It took a few days to get our sea legs, and by the time it was nearly second nature to sway with the tides, it was time to head home and I have been swaying on solid ground ever since! We met our room steward that first night, his name was Aris and he was awesome.  He took care of our room and anything we needed that week.  He made our bed, restocked towels, made us towel animals each night and turn down service.  He knew our names from day one and was always smiling.

We didn't see much of Puerto Rico the first day, but our first stop was St Thomas.  Easily the prettiest water I have ever seen.  We paid a driver far too much money to take us to the very busy and beautiful Coki Beach where we sipped on $8 Pina Coladas, I snorkeled for the first time, Though nervous, I loved it.  It was breathtaking.  The sand feels soft like baking flour in your toes, and it was nearly as white.  While relaxing in beach chairs that afternoon, I looked over to see a pair of hands start to massage Jasons shoulders... his childhood friend Caton Hansen was standing above him grinning from ear to ear.  What were the chances!! We had heard through the grapevine that they were on a different cruise ship and wondered if we would be able to touch base.  Who knew they would be on the same island at the same beach at the same time?  It was good to catch up and see he and his wife Michelle again.

There were nightly shows, games, and places to go on the ship.  We had dinner together as couples every night at 6pm, and we had the same wait staff each night, and they came to know us and our tastes.  There were different menu items each night to choose from and always one thing on the menu that was a little out there.  Escargot,  oysters, frog legs... Jason tried the frog legs and I about lost my dinner.  We went to a Battle of the Sexes game night in what they call the Palace theater.   I ended up on stage participating in a game where we did a relay race.  What I didn't know was that it was a race to put a medallion medal between your cheeks, squeeze and waddle across the stage and drop that medal into a bucket.  I was wearing a pencil skirt, needless to say, we did not win.  I did, however laugh a lot, as did everyone else.  Alonna and I hopped up on stage afterwards with a handful of others to learn the Thriller Dance.  It was pretty fun, and halfway through, much to our surprise, Jason and Sheb joined us! It felt so good to laugh and feel so carefree for a while.

That night the ship sailed through the day and night, we spent day 2 at sea and then on to day 3 in Barbados.  We took an excursion on a catamaran out to a beach where sea turtles are known to be. We didn't see many, but I saw two up very close! So close I needed to swim out of the way to avoid a collision! I couldn't believe it.  It was unreal.  I couldn't help but laugh into my snorkel mask at what I was seeing.  In water that is clearer and prettier than any blue I've ever seen, here I was swimming with these giant sea turtles.

Day 4 we ported in St Lucia.  Gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous.  We went on an excursion, on a catamaran that took us clear to the other side of the island and dropped us smack in the middle of the Pitons.  It was out of this world.  Like something you see on the movies.  There, we snorkeled along a massive reef.  We saw so many fish, plants, a barracuda,  sea snakes, a tiger fish, and so many things I don't have a name for!  Flying through the ocean on a boat manned by men with beautiful dark skin and exotic accents was certainly a new experience!  Back on the ship by 4:30 each day.  I can't be sure on the day, but I believe this was a memorable evening on the ship... we attended an evening show where a team of dancers put on a show to music by Divas of all time.  Near the beginning of the show, one of the dancers came into the audience and picked a couple to join them on stage,  Alonna and Sheb were the lucky ones picked! They went up on stage and Sheb was urged up onto the catwalk to strut his stuff.  We laughed so hard when they told him they picked him because he looked like the Wolverine, and again when they asked his name and he responded that his name was Hugh. After a few minutes on stage and a near shirt removal by Sheb, to which they loudly objected, ha! They started back to their seats... Well, Sheb did.  They wisked Alonna backstage for the remainder of the show.  What she didn't know was that they were sending her back to wardrobe and make up to transform her into the highlight of the show, The Diva.  Near the end of the show they brought her out, put her up on a huge platform, and a nervous and shocked Alonna was wide eyed for a split second until she fell into perfect character and danced her way down the catwalk.  The rest of the cruise she was a celebrity, and known as the Diva.

Day 5 was St Kitts.  Easily my favorite island.  It was the one place I knew what excursion I wanted to experience.  The Fortress. We decided to sleep in, get our own taxi and spend the time at the fortress as we pleased.  We lucked out and landed the best driver in all of the Caribbean. Kevin was a local, handsome, charismatic, and generous with his time.  He took us on a scenic tour through his island, telling us all of the things he loved about his home.  He was open and talkative about any questions we had.  He stopped along the dirt road to show us the monkeys playing in the trees, explained that the white birds all over the trees filled with thorns were egrets, and that they flew in with a storm in the 80's and never left.  They perched in those trees because rats and other predators couldn't get to them because of the thorns.  And though he wasn't religious, he knew were and drove us through town to see the LDS church.  He took us through the dense rain forests, gave us time to drink them in and loved to tell us all about the buildings history, we bought real sugar cane to chew on, it was fibrous,  watery, and tasted like sugar.  He skillfully maneuvered the streets of St Kitts with ease and a little finesse, reminding all of us that driving these streets ourselves would not be doable. The fortress did not disappoint.  He told us he knew we were smart when he heard we wanted to see the fortress which wasn't usually the choice of tourists.  It was a beautiful experience.  I felt a connection with the idea of the visit, and again felt the connection as we stood on the stone that made up the fort.  It was an incredible day.  So thankful for Kevin and his generosity and making St Kitts a beautiful experience.   Back on the ship and later that night I wanted to try karaoke... after an hour of trying to pick a song,  exasperated and quickly losing my nerve, I picked a song and Alonna and went up.  It was a disaster. We laughed ourselves off stage and did not try again.  

Day 6 was St Maarten.  Alonna and Sheb were gifted a snorkeling excursion for two from a woman who won it and wasn't interested in going.  Chris and Megen purchased another ticket for Jason to go as a birthday gift, and the boys spent the day snorkeling, while we three girls spent the day sipping Pina Coladas under umbrellas, and periodically shooing away the local women selling their wares, some aggressively and frustratingly so.  Alonna spent time rolling around in the sand and sea, a quality I find endearing in my adventurous friend.  We picked sea shells, and buried our toes in the sand as we enjoyed the waves rolling over our now tanned ankles.  After a few hours in our rented lounge chairs and umbrellas, we wandered farther down the beach to escape the less than talented karaoke singer behind us at the storefront.  Think scuttle in Little mermaid... but worse.   That night we went to what ended up being my favorite show, the Newlywed game.  None of us ended up on stage, thankfully, but enjoyed every minute.  We laughed so hard we cried at points, my cheeks and stomach hurt from laughing so much.  I loved it.

Day 7 we were back in San Juan and spent the day shopping and seeing the town.  Then back to the airport for a day in the air, on our way home to our people who we missed so much.

There were so many things that I want to remember, but know will eventually slip into the back of my mind where lovely memories go until we can revisit them again with fond remembrance.  We enjoyed the 80's party on the deck late into the night, nightly trips to the 24 hour pizza counter and soft serve ice cream, singers, jugglers, magicians, dancers, bingo, delicious, sometimes exotic food and desserts (yes plural!).  Meeting the people of the islands was life changing for me.  It broadened my view of my little world I sometimes tend to live in.  These people reminded me that finding joy is a choice.  And I am grateful for the lesson.  Also grateful for the deepened friendships I have with Alonna and Meg, and the experiences we shared.

What a gift this week was for Jason and I to be able to spend so much time together without the stresses of our normal day to day lives.  We knew the kids were being cared for, our cell phones didn't work once we set sail, and we connected like we hadn't in years.  I found my friend again.  It was so good for our hearts to have that  time together.

I hope this is the beginning of Jason and I becoming world travelers, so here's to new adventures!

The Game

I chose to take in some caffeine at 6:30pm today before my basketball game, it is now 11:30pm and I am quite without sleep.  It was the first game of the women's rec season.  We are all in our 30's and we were a bundle of nerves as if we were back in high school waiting to play against our rival.  I love competition.  I love the adrenaline that drives past the nerves.  I was told once when I was young that if you were nervous about something, it meant that whatever it was, was important to you.  I love the game.  I have played since the 7th grade. That's about 25 years.  Let's be real.  I am an average height, average weight, average build, white girl.  I wasn't very good in high school, and I'm not great now.  But I love so much that even at age 37, I can improve my skills, and that my body holds up through it.

It was a close game throughout.  They were good ball players.  But so are we.  Referees pretty much left us alone.  There were a few good hits on both sides.  There were moments of frustration and tension.  It was a game of tug of war as each team tried to focus on their opponents weakness.  For moments, these women became the enemy.  And the lines of kindness, sportsmanship, and admiration for physical ability... are blurred.  Female basketball players are not usually of the gentle mentality. They are driven, competitive, strong, and confident.  I love these qualities in myself and in my teammates.  These are also qualities that if left unchecked, can become a stumbling block to friendship and to personal growth.  So, while there were a few good hits, some purposeful fouling, likely blood, sweat, and hopefully no tears, I am proud to be part of a team who also, helps the opposition up, apologizes when a foul is too hard, and holds their tongue when frustration bubbles toward the surface.  These are the traits that make a woman great.  And the women I play with are great.

Yes, we won.  46-41

Life's game of Hide and Seek

Life has a way of moving on whether we are ready or not.  It's kind of like the hide and seek game we used to play when we were kids.  Once someone started counting you felt the need to turn and run, the counting always seemed to go too fast, and before we knew it, we were being sought for.  So it has been for the last month, since Janna passed.  Life seems to always be counting, seeking and trying to come for us.  So, we must run.  Check off our lists, follow our schedules, live our lives, find our way.  I can hardly believe a month has passed.  It was a few weeks after the funeral before my brain slowed down enough to let my heart catch up and remind my body that it was still housing a broken heart.  Sunday was tough.  Everything reminded me of her.  Every song, everywhere I looked, each activity.  I am at odds with the idea that it is healthy to mourn, and that moving forward in life is exactly what we should do.  It seems like a betrayal. Sadness was the opposite of what Janna wanted for us.  Somehow, I think she understands our grief.  And so, I have begun to look forward, move forward, and live in gratitude for each day, and the the time I had with her.  

Until we meet again

     My sweet friend Janna finished her mortal journey on January 19th, 2017.  The months and weeks leading up to her passing were heart wrenching as we watched her body fight against her heart.  She spoke often of her desire to leave this life and move forward.  I was blessed with the opportunity to be there when she and James told their children a week before she passed, that their mom wasn't going to get better, and that it was only a short matter of time before she would die.  I knew then that she was prepared to say good bye.  It was through a mistaken text that I was able to say a last goodbye to her.  I had texted James and asked if Janna was planning to go to California and not come home, so her children didn't have to endure that pain.  He didn't respond for several hours, so I texted again and asked that if that was her plan, then could I please come say goodbye? He never read the first text, but responded to the second, "we are leaving in 30 minutes. Come now." It was the most emotional drive across town I had had up to that point, all the while thinking this was the last time I would get to see her in this life. I sat in front of her frail, thin body, took her hand and told her I thought her plan was dumb, and that I didn't like it.  She looked at me like I was crazy.  What's my plan? She asked. James, I said.  Did you read the whole text? No, he hadn't.  It wasn't her plan, she intended to come home. So, I drove them to pick up their rental car, she hugged me tight, we said I love you, and she said please take care of my kids. A few short days later she was gone,  she and James were on their way home, hand in hand, from her last trip to her favorite place, Disneyland.

     Her mom asked that I help prepare Janna by helping get her dressed, style her hair, and put on her make up.  It was a sacred experience.  Her mom, her sister Kaycee, sister in law Jennifer and I were there for 3 hours.  We spent the first half of the time getting her ready, and the last hour and a half talking, laughing, and remembering.  We forgot her underwear and as we were trying to decide if we should just have her go commando under her yoga pants, I could almost hear Janna's voice warning us not to.  I turned to the mortician and asked him to find the largest pair of granny panties he could find.  That should suffice in a small amount of revenge for her requesting that I speak at her funeral. He granted the request.  

    Her viewing was the largest the man working at the funeral home had ever seen.  It was beautiful to see so many who loved her come to pay their respects and say good bye.  The morning of her funeral was a hard one.  We were honored to be asked to be there with the family during the family prayer meeting where we could say our last goodbye before the casket was closed.  That moment was more difficult than I imagined.  Watching her mother mourn over her was heartbreaking.  We walked solemnly into the chapel, I barely got out a whisper to Jason that I wasn't going to be able to do this.  My emotions were raw, my heart was broken, my soul wracked.  

     The service was beautiful. Her brother Shad gave an emotional and heartfelt Eulogy, after which I did pull myself together enough to deliver my talk.  The spirit was present and I was given the gift of peace and organized thought.  Several of her friends sang beautifully, and her uncle tied it all together with a powerful and spiritual talk.  My talk is below:

What a gift I have been given to spend a week thinking about our sweet Janna, her life and the impact she made on each of us.  My time with Janna was a much shorter duration than a lot of you who had the opportunity to know and love her for most of her life.  She and I knew from the start that there were bigger powers at work in bringing us together.  It has been a beautiful privilege to know and love her and call her my friend. 

I met Janna when she interviewed me for a job at the clinic. I knew the moment I met her that she was something special.  If you would have told me then, that 2 years later I would have to say good bye to my now dear friend, and speak at her funeral, I would have called you crazy, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat.  She changed me.  She changed us. 

Janna wore many hats in her life.  She preferred her hats to be colorful, fashionable, and crafted by her own hands.  She starred in the role of daughter, sister, aunt, friend, mother and devoted wife.

-Janna’s work hat was the first I witnessed.  She was loved by her co workers, if you can call them that, they were her friends, and she loved them dearly.  It was a blessing to work behind a glass window due to the rowdiness that took place so often.

-I was blessed to call her my friend, and that is a hat she helped me become better at wearing. She welcomed me into her life and family easily and completely. 

-I witnessed Janna’s wife hat shortly after that, and she wore it well. Janna loved James with her whole heart. Those two were quite a pair. In the last few months especially, I caught them gazing at each other and I couldn’t help but feel like I was intruding.  It seems appropriate that they were together when she took her last breath.

-If anyone wore a mother’s hat well, it was our Janna.  She became exactly the mother she intended to be. A Hands on, dance in the kitchen, laugh until it hurts, kiss a scraped knee, hike ‘til you drop, sing at the top of your lungs kind of mom.  She loved her children fiercely, and I have no doubt she is mothering her happy heart out from the other side.

-She adored both her mom and dad, and each of her siblings.  She spoke of each of them with so much love that when I met them I could see them through her eyes.

-The last hat Janna wore was a heavy one.  It was one of a physical and emotional trial.  She bore it with grace and dignity, with endurance, strength, and humility. 

I read through the memories many of you posted on her Facebook page and nearly every one of them mentioned her ability to bring joy into your lives.  She lifted, strengthened, brightened, softened, and loved each of us.  Her capacity to bring sunshine to any space was remarkable. Several months ago I began to write a letter to her.  I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t find the words.  Last week I tried again.  The words would not come.  So today I would like to share my letter to our sweet Janna with you.   

Dear Janna,

How’s heaven?  Please tell me there’s Coke there.  I guess there would have to be if it’s heaven.  How is your Grandpa?  Did he miss you for those few days you had apart?  Lucky guy. Behave yourselves enough to not get kicked out, but create enough mischief to shake things up and keep people on their toes.  I miss you so much friend.  We all are trying to find our footing in a world without you in it.   You are quite possibly the most loved lady in the world.  I wish you had a chance to read all the amazing things your friends and family wrote about you before you ditched us.  There is some good stuff in there.  I loved reading about the silliness you were involved in, the chaos you helped create, the joy you spread, and the hearts you touched. 

In my 37 years on this earth I haven’t met anyone quite like you.  You made me a better person.  Your optimism shaped my mothering, your kindness softened my edges, your humor eased my grouchy days.  You taught me that even when you’re suffering yourself, that helping others is always the answer.  From you I learned that there is no such thing as having too much spray paint, that Coke and coconut can fix a lot, and crafting makes the world a better place.  You showed me by example that it’s ok to let your kids figure things out, and to be there when they need you.  Sharing a few Pinterest boards with you reminded me that it is less about what we are making, than the memories we are making.  Hey, by the way, thanks for leaving a whole shed full of miscellaneous craft supplies out back to sort out.  That will be a fun one to go through. 

I know the last 15 months were not all sunshine and rainbows, but Jan you handled it with grace, optimism and a splash of stubbornness when necessary.  There were a lot of days with disappointing news.  I watched you take those days by the reins, bow your head, grieve, pray, lift your head and continue forward with determination.   

I am grateful that you are happy again, that your body is no longer a prison, and that you are with your loved ones who have gone before you.  I miss you like crazy, save a spot for me and I will see you before you know it. 

Love, Jul

I know Janna wants many things for us whom she left behind.  She would want us to take our lives by the reins, bow our heads and take the time to grieve, pray, and then lift our heads and continue forward with determination.  So, don’t worry about the extra calories when you drink a Coke, or eat dessert, take the time to sit in that hot tub, jump on the bed with your kids, don’t sweat the small stuff, get outdoors with your families, think of Janna when you’re at Disneyland, and live your life to the fullest with those you love.  We ought to remember to put on our positive pants as Janna used to say and get living.  She would want you to. 

I know that Janna is safe in the arms of our Father in Heaven.  I am grateful for a Savior who knew the journey Janna would be on was tough, but He was with her every step of the way. It seems a long way off before we will see her again, but I know we will see her again.  She will be there with that giant smile, and open arms.  Love you Jan. 

Butterfly on the slopes

      Four days post Christmas crazy and I dropped off Jayce and his friend Logan for the day to Brianhead ski resort.  It's a short 30 minute drive so I headed home once they were settled so I could get things under control here. (See previous post christmas statement)  It was about 2 hours after I was home that I got a call from Jayce.  His bindings broke.  He was upset.  And would I please come up there and get them to come home?  He couldn't hear me very well, so I texted.  Dig deep buddy, you have a friend who can still enjoy the slopes.  Take a minute to yourself to pull your emotions together and reassess the situation.  Nothing.  He didn't text back.  An hour later, I texted again.  Hows it going?  Still sitting there, he said.  I suggested a few trouble shooters, but got nothing in reply.  

    As I bumble around my house getting things checked off my list, I realize there is a lump in my chest.  I check my phone every few minutes.  My rescuing bells are going off like crazy.  I should go up there early and sit with him.  I should call and pay over the phone for someone to fix his board.  I should rent a new board for him... I should...  What I should do is sit here and let him figure it out.  He's not in danger.  He's not hurt.   So here I sit.  Getting my restless energy out in words.  Hoping that the lesson presented to Jayce is taken and grown from, to be used as a positive reference in his future.   

   I am a rescuer by nature. As a mother this quality has its drawbacks.  It's hard for me to allow my children to have natural consequences.  I want to buffer, interfere, "show" them how things are done so they don't mess up.  I remind myself often of the process a caterpillar must endure in its journey to become a butterfly.   

Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it.

The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat.

One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly.

The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge. One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out.

At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress!

The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged!

As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand.

            But neither happened!

The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It never was able to fly…

As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was SUPPOSED to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly.

    This may not be a life altering experience for Jayce.  But I hope it will be one he uses to build on to become self reliant, a supportive friend, and someone who learns to deal with life's speed bumps with grace.  So today I sit, watching the little butterfly struggle within the cocoon.  

    Thankfully, even if our 'cocoon' is snipped in our lives and we come out with a swollen body and shriveled wings,  we have the opportunity to get back in that cocoon, and become through Christ, everything He wants us to be.