Profits and Losses

I can't decide if the year and a half spent preparing for, working on, and eventually the closing of the bakery- was a loss of a year and half of my life or the biggest growing experience of my life.  Maybe, it's both.  There was so much joy, excitement, drive and I'll be honest.. pride- involved the months leading up to the opening of that place.  Those quickly dissolved into survival.  I spent more mornings crying on my drive to the bakery (if I got to go home that night) than not.  I cried A LOT the first few months.  I slept an average of 3-4 hours a night.  I never saw my kids. I was a shell of a human and my role as a mother was pretty slim.  Ask my kids.  They willingly share their thoughts on the subject.  I sucked at life that year.  I gave everything to that bakery. 

From outside that bakery window looking in, people looked into my "life" and saw an entrepreneur, a working mom who could do it all, juggling work, life and family.  It took just 9 months for me to see the walls coming down.  My family life took a major turn.  Jason and I were staring down the barrel of divorce.  My kids were tearing at the seams.  Grades were down, moral was down.  Constant fighting at home and at school.  My kids were dealing with some major issues... alone.  Without their mom.  And they weren't dealing very well.  My life seemed to just come unhinged all at once. 

I looked up.  It was as if I had my head down and I was laser focused on making this bakery work. I looked up and at my life and I didn't recognize it.  I didn't recognize myself.  I knew I had to make a conscious change.  A choice.  There was no question at that point that my choice was my family. Yes, saying goodbye to the wonderful women who became part of my family that year was hard.  But I knew.  I knew this was the only option. 

A lot of changes have happened in the last few months.  There's a huge story there and someday Jason and I will share it together, but for now just know miracles do happen.  Marriages and relationships can heal, and I love that man more than I have ever loved anyone.  Ever. 

The biggest lesson, with no runner up even coming close, that I learned opening this business is that no matter what age your kids are- they need their mother.  The bakery has been closed for just over 3 months.  I am still working full time at another job, but I'm there when my kids need me.  It's taken this long to start to build trust again.  So when my14 year old daughter comes up behind me while I'm folding laundry, wraps her arms around me and just breathes... I stop.  I close my eyes and revel in the connection.  Motherhood is worth it.  So, it's both.  That year and a half was my biggest loss of time with my family, and my biggest gain of understanding.  And I am grateful.