Running without a purpose

I post a lot about running.  It's because it serves to fill so many voids and calm so much chaos in my life.  I don't love the actual act of running.  Pretty much every single time I hit the pavement I have the thought that I'm doing such a repetitive act, and I hate repetition so why do I keep doing it? 

I finished my third half marathon recently.  I cursed the training.  It was a lot of hours, and months to prep.  With my finger pointed in the air, a slight bend forward, and an accusatory tone, I said too many times to count "I will take a break from running- so help me when this is over, for a month!"  Well, the race is over. And I am still running.  Let me tell you why. 

Yesterday was hard.  It was just a long day, and I had too many balls in the air.  Working all day, football practice, meal making, house cleaning, dog mourning (my little Flapjack is fading fast) and when the biscuits burned while I was folding laundry and cleaning up a spill... that was it.  I dropped everything, put my running shoes on and before my thoughts had time to catch up- I was running.  I ran past the hospital, down Main street and found myself nearly sprinting a hard right into the cemetery.  I slowed to a walk and pulled out my earbuds, feeling the reverence of that place.  Of every place where souls are put the rest.  I walked to the headstone of the only soul I knew and loved there.  I sat.  I talked. I told her it's not possible that so much time has passed. I told her about the hard things.  I cried.  I remembered.  And then I stood, grateful for her in my life, walked down the pathway toward Main St and started running home. 

That's what running is in my life.  Release and space to think.  There are probably hundreds if not thousands of miles that I have invested in the pavement of my emotions.  Anger, sadness, pain, joy, fear, elation, melancholy, and sorrow.  There is something about being able to physically work through the mess in your head through your feet, or pushing your lungs to keep up with the steady stream of thoughts you work through as you rhythmically pace your feet to the beat of the music. 

So, I still run. And I still love/hate it.