You make me sick. And not sick.

I have a nasty, crusty, mean, just awful attitude tonight.   And it’s all their fault.  They took my kind hearted, funny, silly, all around wonderful 10 year old from me.  I hope you never have a cause to meet these awful… nuisances.  Because they will flip your life upside down and make you cry.  They take perfectly normal emotions and jump up and down on them until they squeeze tears out of you.  I hate them.  And the only reason I keep them around is because they keep my kind hearted, funny, silly and wonderful 10 year old alive during September thru May.  They make you mean, and make you say awful things to your mom that make her cry.  Words that were once loving, are spiteful and hard.  I want to never have them in my home again.  But their the only thing that make the asthma go away…

I hate you steroids.

It was a grizzly fight

This young man got his Bear last night at scouts. 

(I know, nice sweat bands, but he insists they are cool)

 

Yeah this was the best shot I got of him afterwards.   He had the wrestle the “bear” in the “cave” (thank you Bro Neilson!)  and come out with a token to show for it.  (That’s the bear claw in his hand) 

We are still getting our feet under us in this new ward and it made my heart happy that this went so well. 

Also, to my Jayce:  You have always been a funny kid.  Not always in control or your timing, but always funny.  At the ripe old age of 10, you are well on your way to conquering the gift of comedic timing.  I laughed pretty hard last night kiddo!  I am so proud of you and how hard you have worked for this.  Keep going!  I love you! 

Too many first/lasts

My three not so tiny people started school this week.

 

New house, new ward, new school, new friends.  There was a lot of anxiety floating around.  But we made it.  With zero tears.  Not even from ME!  All came home happy and full of chatter.   Though the house was quiet and lonely, I found that I quite enjoyed a lot of it.  I didn’t prepare properly to accept that it was ok for me to enjoy my time and not just measure it’s success.  I miss my babies terribly when they leave.  I know that won’t change, but I realize I am an important person to invest time in, and I have a list of things I want to tackle.

 

This little guy lost his first tooth tonight.  I almost cried.  My need to express joy in his momentous occasion overpowered that thankfully.  The overwhelming thought filled my mind, this is the last first lost tooth.  It seems trivial, but I already sent my last child to kindergarten this week.  It hardly seemed fair that I had to check another growing- up-too-fast moment off my mom list this week.  To add salt to the wound, I didn’t even get to pull it.  He pulled the dang thing out himself. 

Weekends have a whole new appeal these days…

Jason Mraz aids my testimony

I love the song by Jason Mraz called “I won’t give up”      If you haven’t really listened the the lyrics, take a minute and read them through.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

It reminded me that the relationships that are the most important to me take work, and that I would miss out on so much if I had quit at one time or another on a friend, family member, or spouse.  But this week when I was driving home from the grocery store (that’s how I know it was important, I remember what I was doing exactly) this song came on and the thought popped into my head that my relationship with my Father in Heaven applies to most of this song as well.   I am surprised that it affected my testimony in such an unexpected way.  What a reminder to me that He won’t give up on me and I need to work harder at not giving up on my end.  So there ya go.

Don’t forget to fill your own cup

My family always asks if I am taking dinner to someone (who had a baby, illness, death in the family etc) when I make a salad with dinner and a dessert. 

The lessons for whatever class I am teaching at church are always more elaborate than the family home evenings I plan for my kids. 

When company is coming,  I go into spic n span mode.  It has to sparkle. 

Meg and I were shopping together today (without kids.  It was so fun!) and had a fleeting conversation about organ donation.  I am an organ donor.  I’m not sure when in my mind and heart I began to feel that desire, but I do.   I know some day my body will be restored to a perfect state, but while I’m not using it, I love the idea of allowing someone else to learn and grow and love for a while longer.   So, while watching one of those surgery drama shows tonight, the thought crossed my mind, “oh my word, someone might need my heart-kidneys-lungs-etc someday… I have got to take better care of my body!”  

So, why is it that when someone else is going to be using it, seeing it, (living with it?) that it needs to be a lot more special than what I give myself and my family?  

As I have gotten older I have not only grown in height (and weight!) but in confidence, and I think it’s high time I start making dinner with salad and dessert,  spending more time on family home evenings, making my house sparkle and taking better care of my body because darn it,  my family (and my organs) are overdue.

Daily Gem

Each day via email, I get a “daily gem” from LDS.org.   I used to delete some of them without reading them due to the hustle and bustle or a full inbox and the desire to clean it out quickly.   A few months ago I realized that each day there were words from God being sent through my email!  (I know, duh Julia)  Some days it was just nice to read loving inspirational words, but on days like today the words spoke to my soul.  This blog is for my children and someday they will need this as I do. 

"In reality, there aren’t many things in a day that are totally without significance. Even the mundane and repetitious can be tiny but significant building blocks that in time establish the discipline and character and order needed to realize our plans and dreams. Therefore, as you ask in prayer for your daily bread, consider thoughtfully your needs—both what you may lack and what you must protect against. As you retire to bed, think about the successes and failures of the day and what will make the next day a little better. And thank your Heavenly Father for the manna He has placed along your path that sustained you through the day."   —D. Todd Christofferson

I am new to days filled with only my children.  For years my poor kids were given only the time I had in small gaps between work and making sure the house didn’t swallow us up in undone laundry and other such things.  I don’t feel as though most days are “mundane and repetitious” but I have forgotten to remember to watch for my tiny daily blessings that create these building blocks to my dreams.  And to thank my Heavenly Father “for the manna He has placed along your path that sustained you through the day."

My daily prayers are often a mixture of please please please, thank you, please please please and a grey area of thought that is what I imagine, worry and stress without specific words to go with it. Thank you Elder Christofferson for reminding me to speak clearly when I pray… “as you ask in prayer for your daily bread, consider thoughtfully your needs—both what you may lack and what you must protect against” 

Beautiful. 

 

A lesson in Jell-O

Who knew America’s funniest home videos would teach my children such a valuable lesson?

Scene: College kids having a  Jell-O eating contest.  (I know, initially I thought Jell-O shots, but no, good clean Jell-O eating fun) 

My kids are trying to figure out who the individual is that caused this scene to make the show… These kids are cheering and chanting, so much chaos… Table falling over onto someone? No.  Jell-O coming from a nose? Nope.

Just as we see green Jell-O eating guy inhale the last of what’s on his plate and start to celebrate, blue jell-O explodes from his opponents face. Everywhere. It had an impact both on the television and in my children's minds. 

Jared: Whoa.  so that’s why you won’t let us eat very much jell-O.

Lainy: (still clearly in shock as her eyeballs have no yet receded back into her face) From now on, I am only eating tiny bits at a time.

Comings and goings of summer

“Oooh that needs to go in my blog” crosses my mind several times each day.  And I often think that surely I will remember such an important thought, topic, comment, or idea by the time I get home.  Not so much. 

Summer has come and is nearly gone (at least as far as the schools go, the heat is here to stay for a few months) and I can’t say I have much to show for it!  I had high expectations for my summer schedule and how many projects would finally be crossed off my to do list, but in truth it has been nice to just be.  At the pool, at the movies, in my jammies, on road trips here or there.  It has been so nice to have  nights of laughter with my sisters.  The combo of watching bachelorette and sitting without children with my sisters in the later hours of day is bound to be filled with joy, snorting laughs, and completely ridiculous topics of conversations.   Love you girls!  (Shannon and Tami.  I love you and I miss you.  I imagine if you were there I might actually keel over and die due to too much joy, happiness and humor.)

I will say the blessings of the summer have been unexpected.  My 3 tiny people (I know they are no longer tiny,  humor me)  have become much better friends, though please do not mistake that to mean they don’t bicker and argue.  They do.  But they like each a whole heck of a lot more than they used to!  All 3 are heading to school full day in less than 3 weeks.  I am a very sad mama.   Yes, I will be the ugly crier mom standing on the pavement clutching her kindergartener.  Bleh.  Not excited for the first day of school. 

Joined the gym this summer.  Yup.  I did.  And since someday my children will be reading this, I will say that I joined so I can be healthy.  Truth is, I am definitely in my 30’s and my body has made sure that I am fully aware of it. 

I have a trip to Reno to get ready for to see my honey.     So signing off!

Jayce’s thoughts

Jayce is rounding the corner of the ripe old age of 10 and his mind is full of wonderful things… 

Tonight at dinner he asked, “Do you think there are more facts than opinions?”  I thought it was an odd question and told him there really isn’t any way to measure that sort of thing.  He rambled on for a few minutes about whether or not people knew more facts, or had more opinions.  Then he said, “So, would Heavenly Father be a fact or an opinion?”    I slowly turned my head toward Jason as he was slowly turning toward me and we half smiled at each other with pride and admiration at our little boys acuteness.  I told him that in my mind He was a fact but that there were many people who viewed Him only as an opinion. 

This line of questioning comes on the tail end of a conversation we have had with Jayce over the course of the last couple of weeks about religion, God and faith.  His testimony is far beyond what mine was at his age, his questions so much deeper and meaningful.  He pulled out all of the old gospel principles books we tossed while packing and I found him in his room reading through them.  He draws parallels in the scriptures, and loves the characters like he knows them.   I love the maturity he is gaining in the little moments between little boy noises, an squeals of laughter, and (almost) harmless rebelliousness.

Mother’s Day 2012

In the weeks leading up to Mother’s Day I was in charge of planning a mutual activity for our young women with Mother’s Day in mind.  I spent some time collecting old photos of their mothers and stories and tid bits from their moms childhood.   I put together a board and planned to have them figure out who was who's mother.  My kids decided it was a good day to puke and so I passed all my planning onto another leader to present.  I was grateful for the time spent learning of these great women.

 

This year I learned how to play my moms favorite primary song on the piano (I am a beginner!) and taught the kids the words.  We videoed it and emailed it her.  Each year of my life I realize new reasons to love my mom more than I did before.  Each phase of my children’s life brings more feelings of admiration and adoration of her.  For so many years I tried to be just like her.  I’m sure it seems a little slow on my part, but I realized just this year that I’m not my mom.  I won’t ever be.  I could spend my whole life striving for a goal that is likely never going to happen.  My mom is one in a million.  Not only will I never fill her shoes, but I just wasn’t given some of the talents and qualities she was.  I am grateful for the few I have been able to replicate and for being given the privilege of being her daughter.

Jason hit the nail on the head with this gift…  Angel food cake (fav cake) iced in yellow (fav color) wrapped in red vines (yes, I love them) and just a sprinkling of milk duds on top.  It was a sight to behold! 

The kids showered me with crafts they had made throughout the week, and a questionnaire from church.  A few highlights:

My mom weighs this much: 200 lbs.    (Jared)                                                                             

My moms fav food is: Salad (Jayce and Lainy!)  If you’ve known me more than 5 minutes, you know anything green isn’t easily ingested.

It has to be enough

We each do the best we can.  My best may not be as good as your best, but it’s my best.  The fact is that we know when we are doing our best and when we are not.  If  we are not doing our best, it leaves us with a gnawing hunger and frustration.  But when we do our level best, we experience a peace.  -Marjorie Pay Hinckley

For me, the thoughts that came to me as I read this today were of judgment.  All to often I am ashamed to say I have been on the offensive end of judging another according to my own abilities.  I assumed those around me should be doing my best.  Unfortunately (or fortunately!) most of whom I have come in contact with don’t have that common flaw thought process.  How kind and non judgmental they have been toward me! 

I have the opportunity to serve in the Young women's program and the differences in the strengths in each member of our presidency are vast. It is all too easy to get caught up in the comparison between us.   My best is certainly not as good as the best of those who I serve with.  I cannot give fluff and décor as one, I am not a trained teacher and cannot give lessons with the same Zing as another, or be as soft spoken and understanding, or be a super camping mama.  I hate camping, my thoughts are often spoken out of order and jumbled, my handouts and visual aids are hit and miss…  But I am doing my best!  And I love those girls and I love the women I work with.  And if Sister Hinckley says that’s enough, then it’s enough! 

The Blast

In preparing Jared and explaining what was going to change once mommy quit doing hair, I told him that we were going to have a blast.  He asked, what did I mean?  I told him that we would be going swimming, bowling, summer movies, going to see Grammy and poppy in Cali regularly, and whatever else we could come up with.  Since then he has asked daily when “the blast” will start.  Today is the blast mom?  Tomorrow does the blast start?  Last weekend was my first free weekend, Jason was home and we thought we would spend some family time.

We hit IHOP (where I had NY cheesecake pancakes DELISH), then the mall where we had an exciting ride (note sarcasm) on a mini train through 1/4 of the mall.  Then a conversation that must be recorded took place outside of the restrooms…  The kids were checking out the payphones built into the wall and thought the clicking noises he buttons made were wonderful.  clickity  clickity  they went giggling along the way running back and forth between the 2 phones and pretend calling one another until I noticed Jayce (age 9) was looking carefully at the phone.  Peering this way and that as if looking for something.  As I approached him receiver in one hand, he asked “Um, how do you X out of this thing?” at that moment Jared ran by, grabbed the phone and hung it up.  Jayce said, “Oh.”  I laughed and laughed.  And laughed.  That must be what my mom felt like when I asked her what an 8 track was… 

After the mall we headed to Skateland and fell on our rears for a whopping half hour until we decided we had had enough.  We played arcade games and laughed for a good long while, hit In n Out for lunch and then headed for the destination that had been asked for the entire day… 

The Dollar Store.  I was tired and falling asleep in the isle.  They had been saving and each had money to spend.  Oh mama, I now have cheap toys littering every floor in my house.  Yay. 

Such a happy day.  I love my sweet family.  Here’s to the beginning of…  THE BLAST.

His Oakley's

Jason has always loved Oakley sunglasses.  For as long as I’ve known him that is all he wears.  His current pair cost well, more than a pair of sunglasses should cost and he has had them for a couple of years.  There have been many near misses when they were nearly lost, swept away, or dropped. 

Well this week he thought he would take in the old Oakley's he has (apparently) had for years, to have the broken arm fixed.  When he relayed this story to me I envisioned a sweet young blonde girl who said ‘like’ multiple times in a sentence…   So he brings these broken glasses in and asks the girl if she might be able to direct him to where to have them fixed.  Picking them up and examining them, she says, “Wow!  Umm, how old are these?   I have worked here for a few years and I have never even seen a pair like this!”   I had a good laugh.  Vintage Oakley's.  Nice.

Give it a rest will ya?

A hunter met a young Indian brave deep in the forest, and noticed that his bow wasn’t strung up. 
“Why don’t you keep that bow strung all the time?”
“If I did, than my bow would lose much of the flexibility that nature has given it, and it might fail me when I need it the most.”
And the hunter went his way believing that the human mind shouldn’t be strung tight all the time, but, like the Indian’s bow it needs relaxation. 

Today is the day.  My last day of “work”.  I know the work never ends as a mother, wife, leader, civilian, etc.  But I have been worried that I won’t be doing enough once I am no longer doing hair.  When I read this little story I realized my poor bow has lost so much of the flexibility that life has given it.  My string has been would so tight for so many years that I forgot that rest is also a necessity.  Wise words of counsel I have been to busy to listen to!

Wrestling with myself

Yet another un-mastered parenting technique. 

The boys are finishing up their wrestling season.  It’s been a lot of fun.  Jayce seems to do well in individualized sports.  And he has enough competitive nature in him to give him the drive he needs when there is a bump to get over. 

Jared is 5.  That explains half of it.  He’s still such a tiny person.   Also, not much competitiveness.  And much to my embarrassment, he’s… my own creation.  He’s the youngest.  The one I’m softest on.  The one who isn’t allowed to be picked on.  The only one home with me all day everyday. Which translates to crying every time he loses a match, gets a minor injury, has his feelings hurt, feels uncomfortable, or blinks.  

Here’s my dilemma.   Do I start now being tough mama (by losing it and yanking him by the ear while in tantrum mode into the hallway) or by kindly and lovingly (and embarrassingly) let him sit out whenever he wants and sniffling?  I tell him suck it up, toughen up and get back out there to which he responds with defiant and loud no! and I hate… (wrestling, the coaches, the mats, the other boys, me) too!  Coach muscle and tattoo sleeves tried to help, talking to him and telling him it will be fun, (which was met with death stares and no’s by Jared) who finally picked him up out of the chair and carried him back to the group.  Jared was ticked. 

Sigh.  I know in 15 years I will sit and laugh as I tell this story to him, but today it makes me tired and worried. 

Thanks for nothin’

For my children:

Thank you bringing home the flu from wherever you got it.  Thank you at least for making it into the bucket.  Please try not to spill it next time when you stand up.  Thank you for feeding yourselves whatever you could reach while I had my fair share of the bucket.  Thank you for taking one AIMS test before you decided you were not quite done and graced the other children at recess with the news by puking on the basketball court.   Thank you for being home from school on the day I was in charge of mutual, and on the day it was scheduled to be at our house.  So, as I listen to you all jumping upon the bed upstairs (health always follows the sound of the days end school bell) please know that I love you and that the hand sanitizer is in the bathroom.

Learn. No matter what you do.

“Education, formal education, is a wonderful thing. No matter the class you may choose to take, learn. Learn as if your life depended on it. Perhaps it will. When you open a new textbook, say to yourself, ‘I want to know what this book has to teach me.’ Learn the thrill of digging for fossils on the mountainside, or working over a test tube until dark, or getting on the trail of something in the library and searching it down feverishly for hours. Be a real student, an intellectually curious student.” – Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I have done hair for 10 years.  It seems such a long and short amount of time.  In 2 short weeks I will sell off most of my hair styling supplies, and focus my efforts elsewhere.  So much sadness is attached to this change.  Loss of friends, schedule, and a small sense of self.  The thought  “Am I as important of a person without being a hair dresser?”  I know, silly and self centered.  But I still own the thought.   

When I read this quote this morning I realized I am whoever I want to be, and will become whatever I invest into myself.  I have a list of talents I want to explore and find out of I possess.  I want to be available to my children more often.  I aspire to have a clean house! 

So to myself…  hello goodbye!

I love me.

Reminder #26

Look at yourself and see what is right instead of what is wrong.

I wish I had internalized this line of thinking as a youth.  It is easy to find the things we don’t like in nearly every life situation.  I tend to whine a lot more than I express gratitude.  And that is exactly what we are doing when we criticize ourselves.  Whining about something we didn’t get.  Or about something that isn’t perfect. 

There is a section in a parenting book I read about counting the number of negative interactions between you and your child, writing them down and doing the same with the positives.  I was shocked at the numbers.

We need to take stock sometimes of our attitudes about ourselves.  Take the time to think about how you view yourself, the way you look, your actions, and then choose to focus solely on everything wonderful about yourself.  It’s refreshing. 

And then climb down off your high horse…   Ü

Too tired

Today’s reminder is quite a bit deeper than I had intended.  I am exhausted and don’t have the mental capacity to do the rest of it justice. So instead, I found reminder #13 to be appropriate for the occasion:

Say a short prayer even when you are too tired to pray.  

G’night.

Déjà vu, Armpit hair and other such things…

Jayce learned a few concepts this week that I found humorous. 

Déjà vu-   We were driving to piano and he quick turned to me and said, “whoa! That was so weird. I just saw… all of these things on the freeway, in my dreams last night.  I think.”  I laughed and tried to explain what he was experiencing (how does one really give an explanation?).  It was really fun to be able to see him try and figure out what he was feeling. 

Also on this same drive we discussed armpit hair.  His legs are getting quite hairy and I mentioned as much.  I told him hair would be arriving at some point, under his arms.  He laughed and said, “I already do!”  (baby hair.  Peach fuzz.) 

Irony-  The kids and I were discussing as we passed a CVS pharmacy, what exactly a pharmacy was.  That they sold drugs.  The good kind, that doctors give you to feel better.  A few minutes passed and Jayce started to giggle.  He said, “we just passed a store called smoke shop,  the kind where they sell the bad drugs, like cigarettes, and they had a no smoking sign in the window.”   I had to laugh that his 9 year old brain caught the irony.